My battle with almost burning out
Burnout is real. Too real. 2023 hasn’t been as kind to me as it has to some others. It was an amazing year where I experienced some of the highest highs and some of the lowest lows.
Today, I’m focusing on some of the lows that led to me feeling like I was going to burn out by Q4 2023.
📝 Why am I writing this article?
I wanted to talk about my personal experiences with burnout because even though I was aware of what burnout is, and I know that it gets talked about a lot in the tech industry, I still couldn’t see all the signs that it was happening to me.
By sharing my own story from a personal lens, I hope that anyone reading this can open their eyes to recognising some of the symptoms better.
🔥 Cause of me feeling like I was going to burn out
The start of this story actually happened late 2022. I got told I was being made redundant after being assured by my line manager and their line manager that it was not going to happen only 3 months before it was announced.
I then joined a new company at the beginning of 2023, and honestly, the vibe of this company was just different. I thought the company was a more established player in the fintech industry, but on the inside, it was still running as a brand new startup despite being in the business for nearly 8 years.
If you’ve ever worked in a startup, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. The expectation is that you’ll wear multiple hats, juggling multiple projects and managing multiple stakeholders.
That was my life. Wake up, eat, catch up on work emails, juggle projects, have long meetings, research, document, feel unproductive, try to catch up on coding, log out, sleep, repeat.
Despite all of that, when it came to mid-year reviews, I got told I was underperforming because of *drum roll*... not merging enough merge requests on GitLab. I couldn’t believe it.
Here I was, doing a lot of research and development for the team, finding out lost knowledge in the company and documenting it on Confluence. Then, moving onto leading these mini projects, dividing tasks within the team, and implementing some of those tasks myself only to be told I wasn’t merging enough MRs. I genuinely felt my contributions to the company were more than just writing and merging some code.
Worst part of it all was, none of these performance issues were ever communicated to me by my manager beforehand. I was never told that the criteria for a good review was merging a certain number of MRs. If that was the case, I wouldn’t have wasted my time researching, developing and leading. I would have just been developing 🤷♂️
The whole combination of wearing multiple hats, sitting in long meetings and then just being told it’s not good enough got to me. It was just not sustainable, and so inevitably, I felt like I was headed for burnout.
🚩 Recognising the red flags
There were quite a few red flags for me that I really should have recognised much sooner.
I started logging into work later. Luckily, in most tech companies, flexible working is a common benefit. I usually err on the side of starting early because I like to get ahead of my work at the start of the day, but after a while, I saw myself logging in later… at least 2 hours later than I normally start.
I stopped focusing on myself. I used to go to the gym at least 3 times a week. Eventually, that went down to just 3 times a month on a good month.
I stopped enjoying coding. I like coding outside of work and like learning new things through code, but I just could not get myself to stay consistent. Learning and coding outside of work felt more like a chore than the fun hobby it used to be.
I felt constantly drained. I usually logged out on time instead of working long hours, but at the end of each day, I always thought to myself “man, that was a long day”. After that, I couldn’t get myself to do anything after work. I didn’t want to hit the gym, I didn't want to meet up with my friends - I just wanted to sit on my couch and watch something so I didn’t have to think and engage my mind.
I was much more irritable. I was much more irritable outside of work, and I was consistently snapping at my family. This was the *glass-shattering* red flag. This is what made me realise I was becoming burnt out and something needed to change now.
❤️🩹 Road to recovery
For me, the first step was having a conversation with my manager about how I was feeling once I had recognised that I was feeling exhausted and like I was going to burn out.
Unfortunately, they weren’t very receptive to hearing me out. Their response was something like “Hey, this is a startup, this is what you get at startups. You might have more work, but there is so much more opportunity to grow and learn. And don’t forget, there are people that are doing much more than you, and they’re not feeling ‘burnt out’ at all.”
So I took matters into my own hands. I logged out exactly at 6pm everyday. The hours at this particular company were 9 - 6. I added 2 focus-time slots in my calendar every week and was very strict with not taking any meetings during those slots.
Outside of work, I said yes to every plan with my friends. I went to the gym at least 3 times a week. I started playing badminton on a weekly basis, and this really helped. Badminton is an amazing sport, and it’s really easy for beginners to get into. I would highly recommend giving it a go.
I also started therapy. This step was super important. I cannot express in words the value of speaking to someone who doesn’t really know you personally and is just able to offer you a different perspective and provide you with tools on how to cope with the tough times.
Eventually, I left the company after being there for 8 months. Turns out I wasn’t the only one feeling this way because 3 other people in my team had handed in their notice around the same time.
This one step was like recovery on steroids.
In my new job, I had a similar conversation about workload with my current line manager, and their immediate response was:
“Thank you for communicating to me that you have been feeling this way instead of keeping it to yourself. Let me have a conversation with a few people, and I’ll get back to you on how we can improve your workload. Till then, put your other task in the TODO column on our sprint board and focus on the one task”.
The right environment can make a HUGE difference.
🔑 Key takeaways
Burnout isn’t always obvious. It isn’t always just long hours.
Try and recognise some of those red flags early. If you didn’t do one of your hobbies for one week like hitting the gym. Question it.
Speak to your line manager! 99% of line managers out there do care about you and want to avoid you feeling burnt out.
Speak to a therapist! There is no substitution for professional help when life starts getting tough.
Your environment is key. If it isn’t meant to be, it isn’t meant to be. Try and find somewhere that won’t have you feeling burnt out.
Be selfish and focus on yourself. Your health - especially your mental health - comes before everything.
Be more purposeful with your time. Log out on time and go out with your friends and family.
Thank you for reading this article!
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